7 Stages of Grief: My Spouse's Journey through the 7 Stages of Grief

So what do the 7 stages of grief have to do with my experience? Until recently, I hadn't thought of my personal experience of living with Michelle's illness as being similar to the 7 stages of grief we experience when losing a loved one. Upon reflection, however, I realize that I have gone through the same stages of grief defined by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' in her book, "On Death and Dying."

The 5 stages of grief she identified are:

• Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
• Anger (why is this happening to me?)
• Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
• Depression (I don't care anymore)
• Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

There are two additional steps to the grieving process that have been added to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' stages of grief. So now we refer to the 7 stages of grief:

• Shock or Disbelief
• Guilt

If you want to learn more about what to say to someone experiencing grief read Are there any words to comfort someone grieving?

And I began going through the 7 stages of grief without even realizing it. Although, thank God no one had died, the events that transpired in our lives were so devastating that it surely felt as if there had been a death. But I realize now that we did in fact suffer a loss, a kind of death, because a part of me did die, and I'm sure Michelle feels the same. The good news is that through it all there was also a kind of rebirth in the both of us. In some ways we have changed for the better and have grown and developed together giving our relationship strength, understanding and endurance.

Having found Michelle in my life was a wonderful thing and I celebrated our relationship. I was not prepared for anything bad to come my way, but I learned that, as with most things in life, good rarely comes along without bad and vice versa.

When I met Michelle in 1988, I was immediately attracted to her beauty and then, as I began to get to know her, I became drawn to her sense of adventure and joy of life. She was always on the go, full of energy, strength and fresh ideas. I was amazed at the fact that she was able to work two or more jobs at the time along with going to school and that she had even started her own business! I was also impressed at how physically strong she was, and in some ways still is, being able to do all kinds of hard physical labor with ease.

After Michelle and I had been dating for about 6 years, we began jogging together to stay in shape. Although it was drudgery for me, Michelle really enjoyed it and looked forward to it every day. She would get us up at 4:00 a.m. on freezing cold mornings to run 5-6 miles before work. After a while, I lost interest in running, but Michelle wound up completing the New York City Marathon in 1998. She also enjoyed rock climbing and was very good at that as well. And she always seemed to move at such a fast pace. She would walk 3 steps ahead of me wherever we went. She walked quickly, cleaned quickly, and worked quickly. She was always full of energy and purpose.

But all that changed in 1999 as we were training for the Disney World Marathon set to take place January 1st, 2000. This is when Michelle started displaying the first signs of illness, an illness that neither one of us could foresee its long lasting consequences. As it turned out, she never did run the Disney marathon after all.

The beginning of our long journey into her illness was swift and unexpected. It began one day when out running Michelle felt the left side of her face go numb and the right side of her body go weak. Just like that, our nightmare had begun! Shortly after that moment things started to spiral out of control. Her symptoms appeared without further warning and included extreme pain in her legs, constant dizziness, nausea, headaches, profuse sweating and constant fatigue just to name a few. The list went on and on. Even while experiencing all those symptoms, Michelle continued to work, but within four months she was so ill that she could hardly get out of bed. And she lay in bed in a constant state of agonizing pain day after day.

The Beginning of the 7 Stages of Grief....

I felt lost, confused and Angry at not knowing what to do to offer help. And I just could not understand why this was happening to her. I was in Shock. Given Michelle's level of physical activity before getting sick, it is easy to see how my first reaction was one of absolute Denial about what was happening to her. At the same time, there was a ray of hope that her symptoms would just disappear as mysteriously as they had appeared.

Denial can be a dangerous thing in a relationship. I was still in Denial even though Michelle told me it felt like ice-cold metal rods were being laid against her bones. I was still in Denial even though I could see with my own eyes that her skin was grayish white and wet with sweat constantly. Through this Denial, I failed to realize and accept how sick she was. My Denial was like a brick wall built around my heart and mind that refused to let the full brunt of Michelle's pain in.

I'm not proud of my behavior during this time of Denial. I actually asked Michelle to do things that she was incapable of doing such as going out to dinner or to a movie. When she said she wasn't able to I found myself becoming Angry. I wanted our lives to be back to normal, I wanted her to be well; I didn't want to accept her illness. I didn't want it to be true.

Anger was not a typical emotion Michelle and I displayed in our relationship before she got sick. We had been together 10 years before she had her first symptoms and I could probably count our fights on one hand. But now Michelle's illness was causing major problems in our relationship. And what really scared me was the intensity of our fights. We had never, ever cursed at each other before and now we found ourselves saying hurtful things to one another.

Unfortunately, during her illness, I was dealing with my own bouts of Depression. This compounded the problem for both of us and our emotions at that point were just too raw for us to be able to discuss things calmly. Our personal needs were too great and we were in survival mode. To be honest, I was just plain tired of Michelle being sick! I told myself that I had not signed up for this journey, it was just too painful to see the one you love in pain and I found it very hard to deal with it.

I was in turmoil. Having feelings of Anger one minute and Guilt the next. It is so difficult to have lead an active, wonderful and full life with your partner and wake up one day and all she can do is lay in bed. I felt that I shouldn't ask for anything and that I should just be thankful that I was not the one sick. I found it hard to go to social functions alone. I was used to going with my partner and I felt guilty when I did go. After all, why should I have any fun when my partner is lying at home in pain? I kept thinking, but what about my dreams and my plans? And then I would think, what gives me the right to complain about anything when I have my health? After all, she was not responsible for her illness. It was all so overwhelming and I felt so lost.

Michelle was and still is the bravest person I have ever met. She rarely complained about how she felt. She tried as hard as she could to not put all of that on me. She did the best she could with the health she had and still does. God Bless her. Guilt! Anger! Denial, Confusion! I was definately in the middle of the 7 stages of grief! What next?

And where was God in all of this. Why? I couldn't for the life of me understand why she had to go through this. She's a giving, compassionate person. She doesn't deserve this! I don?t deserve this! I did my share of Bargaining with God. I prayed for her to be healthy. I tried to think positively. I meditated, visualized her healthy, and prayed some more. I was going to try to do my part to make her better. It didn't seem to matter how much I prayed, Michelle's health continued to deteriorate.

When what was happening to us actually sank in, a feeling of hopelessness overtook me. I had dealt with clinical Depression myself for several years. With Michelle unable to work, I was now the primary bread winner for the family. This added to my growing anxiety, and my mental health began to spin out of control. I went through a period of several months of severe Depression and anxiety. I was not sleeping or eating and lost about 20 pounds through the process. This period was the worst for me and it affected Michelle. It was a rough time for both of us. Eventually, with counseling and proper medication, step by step I began to feel better.

Michelle and I use to say that it would have been easier if she would have lost an arm or a leg in an accident rather than to have the type of illness she has. Someone who has experienced the amputation of a limb may very well disagree with me, I know. But it seemed to us that a person could grieve the loss of a missing limb and eventually accept it and move on with his or her life. Michelle didn't have that option. First of all there was, and still is, the fear of the unknown. Is this illness ever going to get better? Is it going to get worse? At one point, her eyesight had deteriorated so rapidly that she went from 20/40 vision to 20/200 in less than a year. For heavens sake, was she going to lose her sight too!? There were so many unknowns. And how do you go through Acceptance of what you have when you are in constant pain? When you grieve the loss of a loved one eventually your pain diminishes and you can go ahead with your everyday life, but Michelle couldn't even get out of bed and didn't seem to be getting any better.

Acceptance of this illness was a long and hard process for both of us. I don't know how she did it. I got through only because she was so strong. As I said, she did what she could, when she could and never complained. I was afforded the luxury of getting my mind off her illness by going to work, going out with friends, etc. I guess we lived our lives because we had no other choice.

In the meantime, we kept trying new treatments, new medications, new doctors. We continued to pray and employ the power of positive thinking. We cried a lot, but we also laughed a lot. Michelle and I would go out for walks when she felt up to it, and occasionally even went out with the few loyal friends who stuck around as well as with family although it was never easy for her. But, somehow, we came to Acceptance. We adapted as best we could. We sold our home and moved out of state to a warmer climate because the cold weather of Maryland contributed to her pain. We tried everything that we thought might help.

Then by some miracle, Michelle's health slowly, very slowly began to improve. Today, she is still unable to work full-time but is trying to start her own business again. The future is looking brighter everyday.

We survived the storm! Looking back, after going through the 7 stages of grief, Shock and Disbelief, Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Guilt, Depression and eventually Acceptance, I have to admit that, regardless of the pain and suffering, our lives are better for it in many ways.

If you enjoyed reading about the 7 stages of grief you may also like reading My Journey This is the story behind Michelle's journey.

How do you know the difference between just feeling down or blue and true depression? What stages are associated with depression? Learn more about depression, it's symptoms, the different types of depression and how it affects each of us differently. Read my article 7 stages of Depression

ADD TO YOUR SOCIAL BOOKMARKS: Blink Del.icio.us Digg
Furl Google Simpy Spurl Technorati Y! MyWeb