Journal Writing for your Mind, Body and Spirit

One of the best things you can do for yourself whether you are dealing with a chronic illness or not is to express yourself. Most of us can’t quite seem to share our feelings with people at the moment an experience is happening and we tend to review or replay the encounter over and over again attempting to say what we wish we could have said in the first place. Taking this script or this replay and putting it into writing is one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself. It acts as a natural detoxifier for your body, mind and spirit.

One of the things I promised myself when I first got sick was that I was not going to fill my body with emotional toxins by withholding my feelings and emotions. I spent many hours journaling throughout my illness, sometimes I shared these feelings with others sometimes I kept them to myself. But the key was that I expressed myself. My goal was to put myself in an optimum environment for healing and to do that I needed to surround myself with loving supportive people whom I could share my feelings and emotions without worrying about their reactions or misinterpretations. At times this was difficult and certainly at times it caused conflict, but I still believe that it was and still is the best way to operate.

A good example of actually putting your feelings into action was an experience I had with one of my favorite doctors. Below is a copy of the actual email I sent to my doctor sharing with him how I felt about an over the phone encounter we had while I was at the emergency room. Truthfully, I put it into writing because I was too intimidated to speak to him in person or over the phone.

Let me just share with you a little about the experience that led to this note. Throughout my illness, I had experienced a tremendous amount of pain. And at times, it would get so bad that it would literally drive me mad. One night the pain just wouldn’t stop and I couldn’t take it anymore. So we decided to go to the emergency room, which is a big deal for me because I basically have to be dying before you can get me to go to an emergency room. Once there, the doctors determined that I was going through withdrawals from my pain medication. This truly shocked me! It was a weird feeling thinking that here I am going through withdrawals I was scared and, believe it or not, even felt ashamed. It’s hard to explain but it was never in the realm of my reality that I would be going through any kind of withdrawals. The hospital immediately contacted my primary doctor who, to my surprise, was furious with me. He actually yelled at me over the phone and began questioning me to find out if I was abusing the medicine. I can’t even begin to express to you the emotions that I was feeling, from shame to guilt to anger to a sense of worthlessness. I never wanted to be on pain medication in the first place and, truthfully, it was difficult for me to remain on it because of the stigma and judgment associated with it. If the pain was not so extreme, I would have chosen to just get through it but it was not an option. Interestingly enough I never once felt a sense of “getting high” from taking pain medication, the only thing it did for me was provide me with some relief. So to hear a doctor suggest that I was abusing it was traumatizing to say the least! I was so hurt and had so many confusing feelings about what had happened that I decided I should share my feelings with my doctor.

This is the note I emailed him:

----Original Message Follows----
From: "Michelle Toole"
To: "Dr. __________ "
Subject: Update
Date: Thu, 2 Jan 2003 14:33:27 -0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

Hello Dr._______,

I hope you had a happy new year! As you requested I am contacting you to update you since our last appointment. First though, let me share my feelings with you in regards to my visit to the emergency room. I am sure you have heard this many times from patients on pain medication but I felt the need to share it with you anyway. Being on pain medication comes with a unique set of unexpected emotional responses from oneself. From feeling judged by your pharmacist to feeling a sense of powerlessness within yourself- these feelings to me are all new. Having the experience of going to the E.R. and having the doctor say, “you are going through drug withdrawals" is shocking. I am not the type of person to be "addicted" and yes, intellectually, I can grasp what is happening to me and frame it accordingly, but that comes with a set of emotions that I need to process.

The physical experience was very scary and painful, but watching myself at the E.R. was painful as well. And then to add to that you as a doctor had to ask me if I was being honest with you in regards to my use of pain medication- it was shaming and difficult to hear. It is a question that I myself would have asked, but again it has an effect. This has been a difficult process for me and it is challenging not to take everything personally and allow it to affect my relationships with people.

I was terrified for five days after my visit to the E.R. I couldn't imagine going through that again! I was afraid that the patch wouldn't work again and every pain sensation I had or every time I began to sweat I thought is was happening all over again. I couldn't believe how scared I was and most shocking to me was the feeling of fear that if it did happen again would you believe me? Would I get the help I needed? And if you didn't believe me would you take the pain medication away from me? I know it sounds ridiculous- but these thoughts of doubt fill your mind and when you are in pain you feel powerless and feel as if all of the people around you have the capacity to alter your situation. I have trust in you and my partner and my family but situations challenge that trust and although I feel safe with all of you I felt the need to express myself so you could better understand me as a person and as a patient. That said, after getting through the first week and again trusting that the medication would work I feel once again comfortable and secure with my situation.

OK now to get to the Update- you hit the nail on the head! Changing the Medication was a stroke of brilliance as far as the dizziness is concerned I am much improved. It only happens when I stand too long or exert myself, thank god. I am still very fatigued, more so than usual but I am hoping that changing the medication will also have a positive effect on this- I have noticed that it takes me a little bit longer than expected to feel all the effects of changes we make. As far as the Ritalin is concerned, I can say I do feel a tremendous improvement in my ability to think but am disappointed in the lack of improvement with fatigue- is this what I should have expected? I am still, of course experiencing all of the other symptoms periodically- which of course could mean hour to hour or day to day and I am also feeling very sore and bruised upon waking and the bruised feeling stays with me all day while the soreness diminishes. This is something that I have felt sporadically throughout my illness but seems to be presenting itself as a dominant symptom at the moment. I will be following up with Dr.________ next week concerning the chest pain and the possibility of being tested for the list of toxins we have identified. I will keep you up to date.

Take care

Michelle

Truthfully, it didn’t matter if he responded or not, what was important was that I expressed myself and didn’t sit in bed fuming day in and day out! Once I wrote the note, I let go of the situation and the emotions attached to it and moved on. That’s a darn good example of an emotional, physical and spiritual detoxification!

If you enjoyed reading this article you may also like to read Tools for Dealing with a Chronic Illness

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