It is interesting that the one
thing we are certain about in this life is that it will end yet when that
happens we are never prepared. Emotionally we just don’t seem to be well
equipped to deal with such a loss, we either fall apart or head straight
for denial. But, in reality, falling apart or going through denial is
all part of the normal process of grieving. Grief is a normal, healthy
response to loss and we need to understand how to best deal with it in
order to provide comfort to someone who is grieving.
And, as a matter of fact, loss can come in many forms. As devastating
as the death of a loved one can be, any life altering experience can trigger
a sense or feeling of loss that will trigger the same sense of grief and
will send that person through the same 7
stages of grief as experienced through the loss of a loved one. “Other
losses include the loss of your health or the health of someone you care
about, or the end of a relationship, such as a marriage or even friendship.
Healing from a loss involves coming to terms with the loss and the meaning
of the loss in your life.”
So the question is how do we deal with or what do we say
to a close friend or family member who has just experienced a loss? Many
of us have no idea what to say or how to handle the situation. It is difficult
to know what words you should say to comfort someone grieving. I think
it is natural to feel uncomfortable and unsure in this type of situation.
We have so much fear wrapped up around death or any kind of loss in our
society that it is difficult to know how to handle our own emotional response
much less know how to support another person who is grieving. But, there
are simple and effective ways to help someone who is coping with loss.
Below is a simple list of DO’s and DON’TS that you may find helpful when
dealing with someone who is experiencing a loss:
"A Practical Guide to Helping Others Deal with Grief" provides specific
information about understanding the journey of grief with practical
tools, tips and techniques to facilitate the griever's way to acceptance
and recovery.
DO:
Act natural. I know you may not feel comfortable
but the more uncomfortable you are the harder it is on the grieving individual.
Allow the person to talk about his grief and express
his or her feelings. Try to listen without offering advice or interrupting.
The worse thing you can do is start talking about yourself. Focus on LISTENING
and offer your love patiently and unconditionally.
Be patient with the grieving person's changing moods.
It’s normal for someone who is grieving to alternate between anger,
sadness, numbness and acceptance.” Give the person as much time as he
or she needs to grieve. There is no time limit on grieving and telling
him or her to 'get over it' or 'let it go' won't help him or her grieve
any faster.
Show genuine concern and affection if the person seems
open to it. Try offering hugs or an arm around the shoulder, as appropriate.
If he or she seems uninterested or irritated don’t take it personally,
it is a natural part of the grieving process.
Sometimes silence is what the grieving person wants.
There is so much going on that a moment of peace and quiet can be
the one thing they need. Sitting silently next to him or her and just
being close can be very comforting.
Offer to help but be specific. It can seem overwhelming
and stressful to have people keep asking what can I do to help you. When
you are grieving you may have no idea what would be helpful or not. Because
grief can be a confusing and overwhelming experience, suggest something
specific. It is hard for many people to ask for help.
Be the one who takes the initiative to:
Call from time to time and just to check in
Offer to run errands or get groceries
Drop off food don’t wait to be asked
Stop by and baby-sit the kids
Offer to go along to a bereavement group with them
Go for walks or enjoy a physical activity
Do a fun activity with them that you know they really enjoy maybe
a game or going to the movies
Encourage socializing but only when the person feels ready
Keep in mind how difficult holidays and weekends can be for them.
Try to be available for support or just spending time with them on these
days.
If you recognize that the grieving person is experiencing
depression, urge him or her to get professional help. This is only
if they seem unable to function in day-to-day life. You may want to help
them set up the appointment and if they ask, go with them.
If you haven't already you may want to send some Flowers
and a card it may seem like a small gesture on your part but it really
means a lot to the person grieving.
DON’T:
Try to avoid the bereaved person. It only makes
them feel more isolated and alone. This is a time that they need all the
love and support you can muster. Try to put your personal discomfort aside
and think about the other person.
Pry into personal matters. Allow the grieving person
to share what they choose to and just be there to support them. You can
ask questions but think before you talk!
Ask questions about the circumstances of the death.
Talk openly about the person who passed but not necessarily the circumstances
unless they bring it up.
DON’T SAY:
"I know how you feel." Truthfully, you don’t know how they
feel no one does whether you have been through a loss before or not!
Don’t be surprised if the turn around and scream, “YOU don’t know how
I feel, no one knows how bad I feel!”
“You should.” or “Time heals all wounds.” offering advice
or quick solutions just ends up frustrating and upsetting the grieving
person.
“At least he’s no longer in pain.” or “She’s in a better place
now.” Or “It was God’s timing/will.” Trying to cheer the person
up or distract from the emotional intensity only helps to prolong the
grieving process and may even alienate them from you.
“Oh, it’s not that bad.” Or “You’ll be ok.” Or “Things will go
back to normal before you know it.” Or “It will get better." Grieving
people know this intellectually, but in their heart, they may feel so
lost and alone. These statements tend to minimize the loss and could
upset the grieving person and they may even feel frustrated and angry
with you.
"Just call me if there is anything I can do." In the midst
of grief, you just can’t think straight and you have no idea what you
need. It’s up to you to call and if the grieving person does not want
to speak with anyone, he or she will not answer the phone. If they don’t
answer, the phone just leave a supportive message and let them know
you are thinking about them
"Don't cry." It is uncomfortable and painful to see someone
you care about cry but telling him or her not to cry only prolongs the
process and does not support the natural grieving process that needs
to occur.
DO SAY:
I am sorry
Tell me how I can help; I want to be here for you.
___________ was a good person and friend of mine. I will miss him or
her.
Would you like a hug?
Please tell me what you are feeling right now, I have never been through
something like this and can only imagine.
It's ok if you do not feel like talking right now. Just know that I
am here to listen whenever you are ready.
“I love you” (if you are close enough)
talk openly and directly about the person who died
Supporting a friend or family member through the grieving
process is one of the most selfless things you can do. It will never
be forgotten and likely will help build a bond that will last a lifetime.
There are many
books written on how to grieve, but almost none on how to help
someone who has just experienced the loss of a loved one and is
in a state of grieving!
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